Diet Commercials: The Biggest Scams Of Them All

I think I’m losing my mind. I’ve still never seen Constantine with Keanu Reeves all the way through, and even though it’s only the TV version with a thousand and one edits, no doubt, I’d still like to see it, so I’ll know if I really want to see it, you know? Like is it cool enough to warrant renting or whatever. Anyway, the goddamn thing is littered so profusely with commercials that it’s making me nuts, but when the 5th diet commercial lands within the first hour (this one for Xenadrine, which supposedly just got recalled...again) I lost it. Fuck Constantine, Fuck the programming execs, but most of all, Fuck the commercial media that insists on perpetuating this hideous myth, the myth of the 'giggly skinny girl.' What's she so happy about, anyway? She looks like a coat hanger in a bikini, for Chrissakes. This is not a good look, ladies, regardless of how the propaganda reads. To begin with, in all these before and after deals the girls always look far better before than they do after. Why? Because 'before,' they looked like women, not like boob jobs on a stick. By the way, I heard they’re gonna do a fast food chain based on this stereotype. Yep, Boob Jobs on a Stick is coming to a food court near you. You go to the counter and order and they bring you two balloons filled with silicon mounted on a long straw so you can save a little time and just drink the shit down, thus allowing your system to absorb it immediately instead of slowly over time. OK, sorry, I'm just pissed. You don't really drink it. You pretend it's a full-length mirror and stand there like an idiot admiring the hideous monument to grotesque deformity that's staring back at you! Yeah, that's it. (Actually, I have nothing against boob jobs. I just hate them when they’re attached to pipe cleaners. They look so natural, y’know. Feh!)

What really eats me, though, is the dumb smiles and retarded giggling these girls always engage in once they've become 'after' girls. Like everything's wonderful now, right? Well, we all know better. It’s the big girls that get all the action. They’re better in bed, far sexier, more deliciously aggressive, and just plain HOTTER than any of these pathetic little pencil-legs. The best part, though, is the way each one of these commercials—without exception—throws up the disclaimer in wee, tiny little print at the bottom of the screen. ‘Results not typical.’ Not typical? Duh. Are all these stupid women so fucking desperate to become twigs that they really believe anyone lost 80 lbs. in 3 days? The whole thing’s absurd. These companies are just there to make millions off the ‘thin obsessives’ out there who still haven’t heard the news. Well, here it is: ‘Fat is Where It’s At,’ girls. And if you knew how hot you could be if you started getting back to your dedicated fast food regimen, you’d give up this media-driven, sociological hood-winking in a big hurry. So, if you're chubby, don't go on some ridiculous diet that will make you mental and that you know you'll never be able to stick with. Put on a smokin' mini-skirt, a low-cut top, some killer high heels and get the hell out of the house. You'll be sharing the company of an attractive young stud in no time. Then, the two of you can go have a nice, filling dinner!